Mothers shape us both physically and emotionally, frequently in the womb (though there are many other forms of mother-child relationships, including adoptive ones) and via their interactions with us.
The link is so profound that Donald Winnicott, a British psychoanalyst, felt that there is no such thing as an infant, only an infant and their mother. He felt that the type of relationship a child has with their primary caregiver (usually mom) shapes their sense of self.
So, what if your mother wasn't there to support you emotionally? The so-called "mother wound" happens, according to some psychoanalysts, academics, and other theorists. Let’s find out what it entails, how it impacts one’s mental health, and how healing it is essential for mental health recovery.
What Is The Mother Wound?
Simply put, the mother wound is the grief, wounding, and trauma that a mother bears and passes down to her children, with daughters bearing the brunt of it (since they are seen as the next-in-line caregivers).
Who Is Likely To Be Affected?
Ms Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, rehabilitation, and sports medicine department, Sir HN Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai says, “Many mothers were not given the resources or help they needed to resolve their own personal traumas, and this has an impact on how they interact with and nurture their children. How your mother treats herself and her body, how she views herself internally, what she teaches you to value or devalue, traumatic events she has experienced, harmful beliefs she has been taught, dysfunctional coping mechanisms she has become reliant on in response to those traumas, and so on all have an impact on us as children.”
She further adds, “We tend to internalise many of these beliefs and harmful coping techniques since mothers are often the most influential individuals in our life and we are quite dependent on them during our formative years. Even if a mother is physically there, having a mother who was not emotionally aware of and available to you as a child can be painful.”
Impact
The interaction with your mother has a significant impact when you’re growing up, well into your adulthood. Adults may develop trust issues. “Because they've never learned to trust, adults with the mother wound have a hard time creating and keeping the positive relationships that we all desire,” explains Dordi. She continues, “Children and later adults never learn the ability to self-soothe unless they are aware of how to control their feelings. Instead, people seek solace from things and activities outside of themselves. Numbing activities such as drinking and drugs could be among them. Adults with mother wounds also struggle to express their feelings, and frequently resort to suppressing them or struggling to cope with emotions in a healthy manner. It also has an impact on a person's entire sense of self and ability to believe in oneself.”
Impact On Mental Health
According to Dordi, the mother wound can have a variety of mental health consequences, including:
• A low sense of self-worth
• A lack of emotional awareness
• A lack of ability to self-soothe
• A sense that loving and supportive connections are out of reach
Healing Strategies
According to Dordi, healing from a mother wound requires a delicate mix of expressing negative emotions like anger and resentment, while also acknowledging that we may need to forgive our mother.
She suggests the following strategies to facilitate the healing process:
1. Acknowledge And Express: Share your pain. This is the first and most important step in the healing process. It is beneficial to talk or write about the agony.
2. Self-Love: Our sense of self was formed by our mother's interactions with us. We must understand that it was not our fault that our mother was unable to develop a healthy self-image in us. We can rebuild our self-image by letting go of the less-than-ideal image.
3. Self-Awareness: Take the time to notice how you're feeling and acknowledge it. The first step in dealing with a sensation is to name it.
4. Self-Care: Self-care isn't about pampering ourselves; it's about meeting our own needs. Self-care can include solo morning walks before settling down at your work for some of us. For others, it's scheduling a coffee date with a pal who helps them feel good about themselves.
5. Forgiveness: Recognising our own sentiments and lamenting what we didn't get as a child offers the emotional space needed to progress toward forgiveness.
Also Read: Positive Self-Talk: How To Be Your Own Cheerleader
Also Read: Mental Hygiene: 5 Self-Care Ideas In 15 Minutes Or Less