Social etiquette lines are getting blurred, the rise of boundary predators has made it imperative to manage boundaries with toxic people for mental peace. Defining personal limits in a world of oversharing is problematic. Every individual needs to manage boundaries with other people for their well-being. Nedra Tawwab author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace writes, “We are constantly living in others headspace and not our heart space. We are constantly thinking whether setting a boundary will end the relationship. We need to be more selfish.” And we need to proactively state our boundaries.
In a world of social media and self-disclosure – how do you know when you have disclosed too much — or when someone else has ulterior motives? We live in an eco-system of unparalleled personal expression, we may unknowingly divulge too much. An innocent sharing of information can take a fatal twist; a friend we may confess to might hold masked hostility; a co-worker might damage us with shared information. In such times, maintaining strict boundaries is essential. Sharing personal information brings people together and helps them like one another more. But with unpredictable human behaviour, it is best to have a personal firewall system. Author Holly Tarry in her book Power Boundaries stresses the need to remove toxicity from our lives. Her bootcamp for Power Boundaries teaches us how to create boundaries, “Own your energy and transform toxic relationships, boundaries are critical to changing your life.”
Management of personal boundaries is becoming essential in managing your inner peace and keeping stress away. Each of us tries to erect a boundary around our private lives. According to Mariana Bockarova, a psychology researcher at the University of Toronto, “We also attune ourselves to others’ boundaries by making gradual ‘bids of trust’. Be alert and warned, who are opening up to these days. ”
When close friends ‘pry too much’, ‘ask too many questions’ let your mind be on alert. Says Jody Foster, co-author of The Schmuck in My Office: How to Deal Effectively With Difficult People at Work, consider putting a timer on the monologues and create effective boundaries at work. Says Foster, “Sometimes colleagues have more insidious motives. They might want to push you to divulge your own grievances about the boss so they can one day use the information against you. Or they might be priming to dump their work on you, teeing up sympathy with sob stories about backaches and bad partners. The most dangerous of these people have the “dark triad” personality traits associated with—narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism.” Isn’t this a familiar scenario? It’s imperative to then protect yourself. People are always giving you little hints of their behaviour. Pay attention. Says Jasmin Waldmann, business coach, “One question everyone needs to ask: How much information should I give to strangers? Personal boundaries are guidelines, they are individual and personal. They differ from person to person and need to be set individually. Also think about what if people cross your limits / boundaries. What will you do about it? Make (self-protective) decision, before even someone crosses them). I communicate clearly (body language, speech and later on actions) to people if their behaviour crossed my boundaries. You need to keep one thing in mind though: let other people know where your boundaries are.”
School friends fade to distant acquaintances; new neighbours become good friends, rules of engagement shift. We need to constantly review our boundaries with people and what we disclose. Women tend to reveal more of their emotional lives to one another which is also dangerous and self-harming. Says Farzana Suri, life coach, “We must never trust anyone blindly. With the spill over of information from one area of life to another, inferences about a person and their capabilities are formed by one’s colleagues, employers and clients. People use social media to represent a certain persona and achieve a competitive edge. Be selective about what you want to share and who consumes that content. Treat your personal accounts like your home. Who would you want walking in? Unfollow, snooze or unfriend anyone who violates your space.”
Our boundaries are ever-shifting, the lines keep fading, but we can always redraw them. Make sure your confidante’ is not your betrayer. We must manage boundary predators, especially those who rely on their power and authority — to get what they want.
A word of caution: make sure you don’t get too boundaried, constantly keeping people at arm’s length can also make you lonelier. Learn the art of balancing boundary predators. Two people’s boundaries can be defined differently. So, handle it with care by owning your energy!
How to remain open and maintain boundaries:
• Harness wisdom. Boundaries are the ultimate in self-care, create your patterns of boundaries. Don’t be too closed, be wise.
• Execute boundaries to protect your energy. Pause and think and then act or speak.
• Recreate and attract the people you really want
• Own your power and march with an open heart