The thing about regret is that no matter how much or how strongly you feel it, you can’t change the past, can you? And that very fact makes you feel way worse. You wish that only if you had one chance for a do-over, you’d do things differently, now that you know better. It feels like an itch you can’t scratch, with feelings of helplessness invading your mental and emotional calm.
All of us make mistakes, and that brings along regret. If you have watched Happiest Season on Netflix, you will remember how Harper feels deeply sorry for what she did to the girl she dated in high school—a time when her readiness to come out of the closet was on an all-time low. Cut to the present, having emotionally matured, when faced with a similar situation with her current girlfriend, she does what she couldn’t back in high school, finally overwriting her feelings of regret.
Who said we can’t replace negative emotions with positive ones? I do that (at least, I try my best) and you can do it too. Here’s how you can let go of regrets about your past.
1) Be kind to yourself
According to a 2018 study titled, The Ideal Road Not Taken: The Self-Discrepancies Involved In People’s Most Enduring Regrets published in the Emotion journal, regret is linked to the disparity between our ideal self and our actual self. The study says that the regret that sticks around is the kind that is linked to our self-concept. We tend to hold stringent standards and when we fail to behave or do as we thought we should have, it continues to haunt us.
This is why, to let go of our regret, we must first learn to forgive ourselves and accept that the concept of our ideal selves we are holding on to, could use some flexibility. Research suggests that remorse is not bad as long as it doesn’t turn into self-condemnation. You can use the feeling of regret to fuel change rather than deflate your sense of self.
2) Practice emotional labelling
According to Mindful.org, emotional labelling can help people regain control of their negative feelings, including regret. Identify and spell out the emotions you feel—be it shame, guilt, regret or helplessness. The mere act of doing that mindfully can calm you and with enough practice and patience, you will be able to not let the emotional currents overcome you.
3) Be thankful
Harvard Business Review advises practising gratitude to heal from past regrets. We often tend to focus on what we lost, instead of what we have. And practising gratitude means we have to, instead, appreciate and count our blessings. If your regret is related to your self-concept, make a list of things you feel you did right. If your regret is related to a situation you had minimal control over or missed opportunities, make a list of things you are grateful for going perfectly well in your life.
This way, when you find yourself slipping into negative thoughts, you can read your journal and be reminded of the brighter side.
4) Learn from your past
It may seem painful—and I bet this is a no-brainer—but we got to learn from our regrets, instead of ruminating over them. We know it, but how often do we mindfully practise it? In fact, according to Harvard Business Review, one must make reflect on what they actually want. For instance, if you feel regret about missing out on a good career opportunity, what do you truly feel bad about and what is it that you seek? This information will help you use lessons from your past to work towards your personal and professional goals.
5) Set new goals
Carsten Wrosch, an associate professor of psychology at Concordia University told AARP that setting new goals can help one overcome the regret of unmet ones of the past. He explained that it may not be the same, because one can’t change the past, but you can start afresh and pursue things that your heart desires.
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