Unless you’re with your partner, family and friends 24X7 (which, let’s face it, is unlikely!), you probably exchange texts throughout the day. When emotions run high, those texts can sometimes become heated negatively. Enter "fexting"—fighting over text—a term you’ve probably never heard of but have experienced countless times.
What is Fexting?
ICYDK: Fexting in a relationship involves exchanging angry or hurtful messages. Sometimes, it’s not about the number of words but the lack of them, as the other person might choose not to reply, or respond with short, bare-bones answers.
“Imagine leaving for work in the morning after a fight with your partner. As you sit on the train, you find yourself typing a long, emotional message full of hurt and anger. More often than not, this approach backfires, only making things worse. Our growing preference for texting over verbal communication often diminishes its purpose, which can harm our relationships.”
- Suleja, 36
The Downside of Texting
Texting reduces conversation to mere words or photos on a screen, transforming human connection into short, awkward fragments. Even with emojis and exclamation points, the lack of vocal tone often distorts the message. Without the voice inflexions and tonal variations of phone calls or the facial expressions, body language, and countless other nonverbal cues of in-person conversations, a text message is left to carry the entire weight of our communication.
“The issues with texting start with reducing the conversation to mere words or photos on a screen, transforming human connection into short, awkward fragments. Even with abundant emojis and exclamation points, the lack of vocal tone often distorts the message. An ‘Ok’ can be an enthusiastic one or even a forced one. How do I know?”
- Farhana, 28
Impact on Relationships
Using texting as a deceptive shield to avoid in-person or over-the-phone self-disclosure and conflict resolution can seriously harm your close relationships. This avoidance hinders the growth and maintenance of your face-to-face connections.
“What can seriously harm your close relationships, including your marriage, friendships, and family bonds, is using texting as a deceptive shield, allowing you to avoid in-person or over-the-phone self-disclosure and conflict resolution. This, in turn, hinders the growth and maintenance of your face-to-face connections.”
– Gayatri, 39
Impulsive Responses
Typing on a screen invites impulsive responses. It's easy to lash out in anger or meanness without seeing the pain or hurt on someone's face.
"There's no risk of interruption or a need to pause, but what feels like a chance for me to clear the air often ends up overwhelming the person on the receiving end."
– Diya, 41
Recognising Fexting
If you notice any kind of anger, blame, hurtful name-calling, or asynchronous responses in your text exchanges, you’re probably fexting. These texts have an angry tone and, if they were happening in real life, you’d likely be raising your voice, visibly upset, or even crying.
Making Fexting More Productive
While fexting isn’t ideal due to the potential for miscommunication, it can sometimes be inevitable due to long-distance relationships, work hours, or time spent apart. According to experts, there are ways to make fexting more effective. Here’s what they recommend to ensure that if you must fext, you’re doing it in the most productive way possible.
1. Pause Before Responding: Take a moment to cool down before typing out your response. This helps prevent impulsive reactions that can escalate the situation.
2. Use "I" Statements: Focus on how you feel rather than blaming your partner. This can help reduce defensiveness and promote understanding.
3. Keep It Brief: Long, emotional messages can be overwhelming. Stick to the main points and avoid overloading your partner with too much information at once.
4. Clarify Intentions: If a message can be interpreted in multiple ways, clarify what you mean. This reduces the risk of miscommunication.
5. Set Boundaries: Agree with your partner on when and how to address serious issues. Sometimes, it's best to save important conversations for a time when you can talk face-to-face or over the phone.
By following these guidelines, you can turn fexting into a more constructive way of handling conflicts and help maintain a healthy relationship, even when you're not physically together.