“She was a very modern woman. She used to drink a lot,” my Uber driver told me and my friend, as he narrated the unforgotten tales of his time in Saudi as a driver. He was the chauffeur for a wealthy family, in which the woman used to trust him to score alcohol for her. The driver was fascinated by his time there; he was enchanted by her non-conformist attitude, but by his tone, “modern woman” sounded condescending instead of a compliment.
We weren’t in the mood to argue, or preach. As women who identify as modern and progressive, we were curious. We wanted to listen, we wanted him to feel comfortable enough to truly share his beliefs. The thing is, all of us come from different backgrounds and social conditioning. All this makes you wonder, what if you end up with someone who is not as progressive as you are.
Believe it or not, this is a real conundrum for most people today across genders, cultures, religions and sexualities. What if you end up with a partner whose beliefs don’t match yours?
Several studies point out that millennials and Gen Z are looking for partners who are as progressive as them. According to a 2016 study titled, ‘Attitudes, Anxieties and Aspirations of India’s Youth: Changing Patterns’, the Indian youth has a mix of conservative and liberal attitudes. “Only a few are very liberal (14 per cent) and very conservative (11 per cent),” says Sanjay Kumar, director of Centre For The Study Of Developing Societies (CSDS) and principal investigator of the sample survey. The survey revealed that about 75 per cent are somewhere in between—38 per cent are more or less liberal while 37 per cent are somewhat conservative.
How to navigate through this? How can you figure out if your partner is as progressive as you? And, how to deal with a partner you love to be with, but isn’t as progressive as you in certain aspects? Here’s what you can do.
Promote unlearning and self-growth
We have years and years of social conditioning that has led to patriarchy so deeply embedded in our systems, that we fail to even realise it. Even as women, we have all experienced internalised misogyny, as each one of us are progressing at our own pace, according to our own life experiences. Promote unlearning and self-growth, as you too, continue to discard old harmful schools of thought. It will catalyse your growth as individuals and as a couple. Stereotypical gender roles need to be discarded, be it about any gender.
Discuss your individual and combined goals
Several studies point out that men are slower in developing more liberal attitudes as compared to women. As a couple, discuss your goals—what you want from life, both as individuals and couples. With this, you will understand their vision and mindset way early in the relationship. You will understand where they need to open up, and you can then go on to tell them how certain ideologies hurt your progress and freedom. If they are open to adapting, this will help them wake up to a whole new mindset.
Offer criticism constructively
When Ananya (name changed for anonymity) got into a relationship with a guy who was somewhat liberal, somewhat conservative, she knew that he was open to understanding the other side. He was someone who felt uncomfortable with her posting pictures in a swimsuit on Instagram. “I had a heart-to-heart conversation with him, in which I told him how it is so restrictive, unfair and problematic on so many levels that women are expected to make clothing choices according to the male gaze. I criticised his mindset constructively and he understood. He supports me fully and understands that my clothing choices are my own, not even his!”
Offering criticism constructively helps if your partner is receptive. However, it means that you must also appreciate them for the progress they make and other good things they do for you. After all, changing yourself is never too easy for any of us.
Talk about your expectations
While you are being empathetic and understanding to your partner’s slow pace at becoming progressive (hopefully they are willing to embark on that journey!), you also need to define your expectations from a partner. You will still have to pick your battles; you cannot fight every ideological polarity there is because that isn’t healthy either. However, you need to lay ground rules that their conservative attitudes should not clip your wings and freedom. You need to talk about your expectations and the kind of support you want from them.
Introspect
According to Harvard Business Review (HBR), being in a relationship like that is similar to being in a work environment that isn’t conducive to your growth. You first begin to analyse your own behaviour, your own actions and then come up with a solution that can help you do better for yourself. If your partner’s non-liberal attitude is inhibiting you, then you must figure out how you can change your actions to not let that happen. Do you need to be more assertive? Do you need to believe in yourself more? Do you need to be more financially stable?
Seek counselling
If even after taking charge of the change you seek, there is barely any growth, seek counselling. Maybe counselling can help you as a couple to find a middle ground. Maybe their mind will open up, may it won’t. But if you still want to be with them, the least that can be established is that you both agree to disagree and enjoy your autonomy.
Take a call
HBR says it is better to be single than be with a partner who hinders your growth and freedom. You need to then finally reflect on how different your ideologies are and whether theirs is hurting you. You must reflect on whether you can love and respect each other, despite your differences. If a relationship becomes abusive, controlling and even counselling doesn’t help, it’s better to build a life for yourself on your own terms. Seek help if you need to make that happen.
Also Read: Tackling Internalised Misogyny, A Major Roadblock In Gender Equality
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