No family is perfect, or devoid of its own quirks. Mine for that matter has become quite liberal over the years, gradually. But the elders still have their biases, and what they think is right and wrong is based on the social conditioning they’ve grown up with. Even in that, while some elders have opened themselves completely to learn and unlearn with evolving times, some are not quite good at it.
The science of psychology has evolved over the years—and Shah Rukh Khan in Dear Zindagi has given us major life lessons (what do you mean we don’t take that from movies?). If there is one thing that we all know by now is that our formative years have a great impact on our lives. As children, even the smallest things stay with us and shape who we become, and the things we believe in.
Despite the fact that it’s all about lovin’ your family, we also want to bring up the next set of humans in a manner that aligns with our beliefs.
Choosing the best for your children
Shouldn’t a mother have the right to raise her child with the value system she believes in? Yet, although with the best of intentions, many families end up stealing the mother’s agency to make the right decisions for their children and also threatening their authority by schooling them, in front of their kids.
In 2018, an ad shot by Shoojit Sarkar started trending with the #StandByToughMoms. The plot is all too common, something that is seen in almost every other Indian household where generations live together. The ad shows a young son, who is upset with his mother for scolding him for stealing a small amount—and due to it, he refuses to eat and she, chooses to not give in to his tantrums. The mother, is trying to make her son realise that irrespective of the amount, stealing is wrong and feeling entitled will not make others do as he pleases. However, she gets scolded by others in the joint family for being cold towards her child over a small matter or “chhoti si baat”, that is, until her father-in-law stands up for her.
Here are a few common subjects that may motivate mothers to raise their children in a different value system.
1) Religious views: Many mothers like to filter and choose what they would like to teach their children about religion, culture and festivals.
2) Gender roles: Even the most liberal families can end up reinforcing casual sexism and stereotypical gender roles, unintentionally. Many new-age parents are consciously trying to give their children a gender-neutral upbringing.
3) Methods of disciplining: If you don’t agree with the leniency or toughness of your family’s way of teaching lessons to children, you must choose to take a different route and do what you feel is the best for them.
4) Self-concept: For instance, some family members may believe that fair is beautiful or that being overweight is ugly. You should have the right to cut all that negativity out, so you can raise your children to be confident and have a strong self-concept.
5) Ideologies: While your children will grow up to develop their own opinions on things when they are young, they will absorb what the elders believe in. So if your family has biases in terms of caste, class, appearance, culture, gender, etc. it may be the best to filter all of them out.
How to raise your children in a different value system
It won’t be easy trying to reject a few concepts in the value system your family holds, irrespective of whether you are living with them or if they visit often. Indian culture is such that our families love being involved—and that is often a very warm and heartening thing. There is nothing wrong with instilling family values in our children but at our discretion.
Your family members may feel alienated, angry, and not take certain things well. You may have to take some tough decisions but stay strong. Here are tips for mothers who want to raise their children in a value system that is different from their family’s.
Decide what values you want your children to exhibit
Sometimes, certain values may cause an internal conflict as you may feel unclear about your own stance on things. It’s important for you to know what values you want your children to learn, so you don’t end up confusing them. You can use moralising, modelling and reasoning as methods to pass on your values to your children.
Be a role model
They say values are caught, not taught. The way you carry yourself, the choices you make and how you treat others will be observed by your children. So make sure you lead by example. That will also help your child respect and admire you more.
Help your child rationalise
Your child should know how to have their own agency. They should be able to rationalise, make choices and feel like they can be themselves. You must tell your children about the reason behind your ideologies, and why some of those that your families may try to impose aren’t aligned with yours. For instance, if a child comments on someone’s skin colour, because they heard from a few family members that fair is beautiful, you must tell them why it’s wrong.
Ask your child to respect the elders even if they think differently
In many situations, you will have to explain to your children that certain things that some members of your family do or believe in, don’t align with yours. However, you must teach them to still be tolerant of varying perspectives. It’s great to have a strong value system, but most issues in our society happen due to intolerance towards others, and that is something your children shouldn’t be practising.
Be polite but assertive with your family
Practise before you preach. When it comes to handling different perspectives and value systems, especially those of your family’s, you will have to be assertive about not passing it down to your children. You will have to exhibit strength and authority and confidently tell your family members not to do or say certain things to your children. For instance, if your mother likes to spoil her grandchild by doing everything for them, tell her you encourage them to do their own work instead. Let your family know you don’t encourage conversations involving discrimination, hate or stereotypical gender roles around your children.
Ensure your partner and you remain one strong unit
Sometimes, you and your partner may have conflicting views on things. But you have to discuss those issues privately and when it comes to handling your children, you both should be one team. Even when it comes to your family members, they should see you as one team and not exhibit conflicting opinions. Discuss and then act, together.