Many adults choose to become parents at some point. Naturally, those who do strive to do their very best for their children. . However, no matter how old your child is, there are some challenges that every parent will face at every developmental stage.
For instance, what if your child doesn’t listen to what they’re told? This begs the question—is there a right and wrong way of disciplining a child? While there’s no exact science with parenting, there are methods most parents tend to try to see which one best suits their needs. And one parenting philosophy is known as the positive parenting philosophy. But, before we delve into a few techniques, let’s first understand what this philosophy really is.
What is positive parenting?
The textbook definition states: Positive parenting is the continual relationship of a parent(s) and a child or children that includes caring, teaching, leading, communicating, and providing for the needs of a child consistently and unconditionally. According to Dr Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Reliance Foundation Hospital, “Positive parenting is an idea based on the assumption that all children are born good, are altruistic and have the desire to do the right thing. Knowing that, we can teach and discipline them without breaking their spirit.” Simply put, it means being constant and positive source of encouragement on your child’s road to discovery and learning.
While a textbook definition can help with theoretical knowledge, it pays to try out a few tricks to see which technique best suits your parenting style. Says Dr Dordi, “Children learn by modeling. If we model appropriate means of communication and handling conflict, then they too will learn how to communicate. A child’s brain is wired to naturally think, question, and explore; it is our responsibility, as the parent, to facilitate this yearning to learn and figure the world out around them.” Here are some techniques you can try.
Get to the root of the problem
Parenting experts the world over believe that it’s important to first understand the reason behind a child’s disruptive behaviour before disciplining him/her. Sometimes, disruptive behaviour is a cry for attention, other times it could your child’s inability to communicate what he or she is feeling. No matter why the disruption, sitting your child down to calmly asses the problem instead of yelling or putting him/her in a timeout, is a more productive way of dealing with a tantrum. Says Dr Dordi, “Once you understand the logic behind your child's misbehaviour you can then correct their ideas of what it means to feel loved, powerful and valued in the world. Positive parenting teaches discipline that builds your children's self-esteem, while at the same time correcting their misbehaviour. With a relationship built on trust and mutual respect, you will retain a positive influence with your children through their teen years and into adulthood.”
Be consistent
Desired behaviour is the outcome of consistency over a considerable amount of time. This means, you need to maintain the same schedule for your child so that a semblance of a routine can be inculcated. But remember, no child is the same and what works for one may not work for his or her sibling. This means you need to be attentive to see what works or doesn’t. While it may not always be easy to control a situation, your child will come to know what you expect from him/her over time. “While parenting, it is imperative to be clear, be consistent, and follow through. Consistency is the key. If a parent is not consistent, there will be confusion which may further lead to maladaptive behaviour,” explains Dr Dordi.
Avoid the reward-based approach
You may have seen how giving your child a reward or ‘prize’ for a job well done motivates them to continue doing things you ask them to. However, a reward-based approach may sound positive but in reality, it conditions your child to expect a reward every time he or she may do something right. This can cause a sense of entitlement down the road. For example, if you reward your child with a candy for eating all his vegetables, over time, he will believe that he’s owed that candy for finishing every last bit of food. This is counterproductive if your objective is to get your child to eat healthy. According to Dr Dordi, “Rewards, though on the surface so much more appealing than punishments, do have some built-in risks and problems. The biggest problem is the hidden message that if there were no reward, the child would not perform the task in question. It can even be said that the fear of not being rewarded is a punishment.”
You can control your response, not the situation
Remember, focus on the things that you can control—yourself. Instead of reacting, respond. This simply means, don’t meet a tantrum with a shot or punishment. Simply calm yourself, assess the situation, and then choose the path you’d like to take. This won’t only help you better prepare for misbehaviours, you won’t lose your cool in the process. Remember, consistency and reiteration will go a long way to set ground rules. Says Dr Dordi, “A good parent is someone who strives to make decisions in the best interest of the child. However, no parent or child is perfect. Keeping this in mind is important when we set our expectations and how we react when something doesn’t go as planned. Successful parenting is not about achieving perfection.”
Discipline, don’t punish
The key differentiators when it comes to positive parenting techniques is discipline over punishment. Just like it’s advised to steer clear of rewarding good behaviour, it’s best to avoid punishing bad behaviour. Teaching your child right and wrong by examples and various exercises is far more rewarding than just punishing him or her for something they’ve done wrong. The fact remains, they may not know what they did wrong, but a clear explanation of why it’s wrong, and the outcome of their actions, is a great way to help them understand. “Children learn by mimicking others and parents are their primary role models. When a parent yells, humiliates or calls a child names, the child learns to do the same when they’re upset. The converse is also true. When a parent is kind and respectful despite being upset, the child learns to deal with difficulties with composure and respect. Being kind also helps a child to calm down, be receptive to reasoning, and more likely to cooperate.”
In the end, parenting ultimately reflects your own upbringing and outlook, and while there’s no right or wrong way to raise your kids, there’s a result-driven method that can work in the long term. The positive parenting philosophy is just that. The rest, is up to you.