Motherhood is celebrated across the world—and while it deserves every bit of it, what it also deserves is being shown as it is. Our society loves talking about how becoming a mother can instantly trigger your nurturing instincts (which may or may not happen), but what about your other emotions—you know, like the desire to be at work, the need to unwind with your girlfriends, or simply the need to get some extra sleep?
Of course, unless you’re in a Doctor Strange movie, you can’t be in two places at the same time. Irrespective of how much you try, you will miss out on something or the other, so you might as well just be fully present where you are. Now, mothers will vouch that it is easier said than done. Many new mothers feel the Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO) and clearly, it goes beyond the Saturday night shenanigans your friends had without you.
Not each one of us may know the kind of FOMO a mother feels, but we know how it feels in the general sense of the term. We all have things we don’t want to miss out on. Like, I may not care if someone is on a beach vacay in Bali and all I am doing is surfing the internet, lying flat on my bed, in my PJs. I love that. But if I fail to join my friends when they meet, I would secretly hope it ended up being only as exciting as hearing Ross speak about dinosaurs.
The point is, that we know that the feeling of FOMO is one laden with unpleasantness and how it can make us take on more than we can handle.
What do you feel excluded from? It can be the many plans you had to cancel or postpone with your friends or colleagues, or it could be missing out on a big project because you are on maternity leave. Or if you do step out, you end up worrying about what your baby is up to. It cannot be an easy feeling to shake.
FOMO for pivotal moments in your child’s life
Aradhana Asher, a mother of a 10-year-old, says that in the initial years of motherhood, she often felt the fear of missing out on the little moments in her child’s life. “Each day, when I would wake up and go to work, I would hope I don’t miss out on anything significant. But what do you say when even the little things your baby does can feel pretty important? I remember checking out the nanny cam streaming on my phone several times a day,” Asher explains. She adds that she doesn’t regret being employed but it did take her a while to not let FOMO get in the way.
Many mothers end up feeling FOMO whenever they have to step out, for work or for socialising. The world considers mothers to be the primary caregivers, and their partners are barely seen as helping hands (no matter how much we feel they should be). They end up feeling like they are in the driver’s seat of a car with a massive ‘Baby on Board’ sign, and no one to take turns driving. Stepping out can feel like you are abandoning your car, like you are turning your back on your primary purpose. But it doesn’t have to be that way, and it really shouldn’t.
FOMO for your social life
To date, I think the biggest fear in my best friend’s life, is turning up heavily pregnant at my wedding. She feels she will miss out on all the fun—the preparations, the rituals and all that. This, is when I am not even thinking of a wedding right now. “I am not even pregnant and yet, my mind gets drowned in overthinking, as I already feel FOMO about the things that I will miss out on, socially speaking,” says Ahana (name changed for anonymity).
Feeling anxious about being absent in social events is very common for people who may or may not have had made babies. Ask any youngster with an overwhelming social calendar and they will tell you that they feel if they don’t show up, they might become the Internet Explorer of their social circle—irrelevant and less popular. They think, eventually, people might stop seeking their company, but that’s not what real friends do, isn’t it? Even social media can make you feel like everyone is living their life much better than you are.
FOMO for your career
Our careers are important—work gives us something to be passionate about while also becoming financially independent due to it. But often, we find ourselves dipping the teabags of our self-esteem in a cup of our piping hot, demanding jobs. We tend to attach our self-worth to our jobs and we let the little hiccups get to us. So as a new mother, it is not easy being away from the office while on your maternity leave. Nupur, a media professional expressed, “Right before I went on maternity leave, I was handing over an account that I had done a major amount of work on. Being away from work gave me a lot of anxiety.” She added that she often worried about her getting side-lined while on a break.
Anamika, a fashion and lifestyle blogger, recently became a mother and she credits her career for giving her the breather required from childcare. “Childcare is a lot of work and requires so much time, so much energy. But I still push myself to make content because if I don’t, I will feel I’ve lost a huge part of me,” Anamika expressed.
FOMO for ‘me time’
When my sister had a baby, she would tell me all she wants is to get under a blanket, and have a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. This is one of the biggest things new mothers miss out on, globally. With all the FOMO you experience and how you try to be everywhere, there’s little time left for yourself. And when you see other people talking about the latest Netflix shows, spa Sundays or just reading a book in a café, your heart craves all of those things.
Something or the other is always slipping out, then how do you fix the FOMO you feel?
Fix your feeling of FOMO
The mothers we talked to had three vital pieces of advice to share.
Embrace the Joy Of Missing Out (JOMO): The best thing you can do is live in the moment. The excitement about what could have been can take away from what is. So embrace the JOMO, and prepare your mind for missing out on things.
Focus on your personal goals: Each one of us has different personal goals, at different points in time. And each goal requires certain actions. Don’t get tempted by others’ actions towards their goals. If you missed something, see how valuable it is to yours. If it isn’t, let it go. And if it is, then you can try to change things up gradually, to find balance.
Don’t take social media at face value: Everybody seems to be having it all on social media. Many people find their self-esteem and contentment quotient dropping when they compare the airbrushed digital representation of others’ reality. Don’t fall for that trap. If you find it difficult in this phase to not feel affected by it, manage the amount of time you spend on social media and the kind of content you consume.
Also Read: 5 Tips To Deal With Mom Guilt