Indira Gandhi. Natalie Portman. Adele. I’m in good company. No, I’m not becoming Prime Minister or winning an Academy Award - at least not for the foreseeable future! But guess what, I’m part of the somewhat exclusive and sometimes misunderstood club of ‘onlies’. We go through life as only children, sans siblings. Onlies and their parents have both got a bad rep, for different reasons. And I’m guilty on both counts, so that’s double the brickbats.
To those of you looking from the outside in, onlies may come across as pampered and spoilt, laden with extra privilege. Truth be told, the only thing extra in our lives is the focussed and targeted scrutiny! The stereotype of an only child is someone selfish, often lonely, growing up in a bubble of entitlement, sometimes with an imaginary friend. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Yes, we have our parents’ undivided attention and love, but that also means we carry the entire burden of their expectations. Everything from our report cards to our behaviour is up for analysis and we just have to hard enough to make sure we’re not toppled off our pedestal. There are benefits to being an only child, no doubt, but there are also downsides – just like there are with having siblings.
Growing up in the 1980s in India, I knew only two other onlies. Everyone else around me had at least one sibling. Thankfully, one-child families are on the rise now. When I jumped on the bandwagon and became a parent, I decided on the ‘one and done’ policy too. And now, I’m at the receiving end of a different kind of judgment altogether.
Whenever I step out in public with my daughter, I’m constantly told how lovely she is. Now I’m in complete agreement and would love to soak in the appreciation, but beware – this is not a compliment. This is a prelude to ‘When are you having another?’ It never fails to befuddle me, because as far as I know, children don’t need to come in pairs. Unless they’re twins of course, which I’m glad I don’t have to deal with! This is followed up with multiple concerns about how my child will be lonely, selfish, and lacking social skills. Most parents of onlies are pros at justifying their decision to the world, even if they don’t need to.
India’s National Family Health Survey in 2018 showed that only 24 per cent of married women wanted a second child. The percentage of men was also relatively low – just 27 per cent. There is a correlation between parents who choose to have just one child and higher levels of education. The Southern and Eastern parts of the country have more single-child families.
Having a single child in today’s day and age is not selfish. Firstly, one has to consider financials. Speaking plainly, two children cost more than one. A few of us may be able to afford it, but for some of us, more than one child can be too expensive to handle. You have to factor in education, medical expenses, music lessons, football coaching, and the odd movie and popcorn outing too. Wanting to channelise our resources towards one child and giving them opportunities to lead their best life is not selfish; it’s a choice we make. And believe it or not, our child is actually fine with it!
Secondly, you don’t ‘owe’ your existing child a sibling. A sibling, when he or she comes into the world, is an independent being. Granted that my husband has fond memories of a childhood shared with his brother, and I’m sure that’s the case for many people. On the other hand, I don’t know what it feels like to have a sibling, so I’ve never really missed it or cared. Whatever the case, a sibling is not a ‘gift’ to your older child and you’re not being selfish depriving them of ‘company’. Also, just putting it out there, there’s also no guarantee that siblings will stay in touch through life, or remain close.
Thirdly, and this is the opposite of selfish, we have to think of the planet and its finite resources. Each extra person puts a strain on those resources, and the Earth’s already groaning under the weight of it all. We’re breathing polluted air, and even simple things like owning a home have become challenging. Why would anyone want to add an extra child to the mayhem?
Fourthly, onlies tend to be more imaginative and creative. Since they spend more time with adults, they’re likely to have a greater level of maturity and higher intelligence as well. They also learn self-reliance early, since they don’t have siblings to keep them engaged all day. This doesn’t mean that they lack social skills. Only children enjoy the company of friends just as much as anyone else – as my daughter and I do. What’s more, onlies tend to forge closer bonds with parents (out of choice, not compulsion). Also, there is no one personality type that’s specific to onlies. Like those with siblings, they come in a variety of personalities and each child is unique.
Lastly, choosing to have an only child is a practical choice. Women’s workforce participation has gone up, as it rightfully should. When there is a child involved, it is the women who invariably choose to or need to step back and take a break. Too many breaks in a woman’s career can derail it entirely, since men very rarely get equal paternity leave or need to take a career break. Sometimes one child is the best thing women can do for their own self-preservation and fulfilment – and this isn’t selfish at all. Or maybe it is, but for all the right reasons.
Do onlies have difficulty sharing? I don’t see it, but then every child is different. All I’ll say is, there’s no ‘ideal’ family structure. Your family is happy and complete when you think it is. If you want another child, go for it, but do it for the right reasons. Don’t succumb to pressure. It’s different strokes for different folks.
Three years ago, we finally took the plunge and got ourselves another addition to the family. An adorable little puppy. That’s what it took to complete our family.