Celebrated author Judy Blume self-admittedly wrote young adult novels for boys and girls going through puberty. Her books are still popular because she was a trailblazer in discussing controversial and taboo topics, which appealed to adolescents who were maturing both physically and emotionally. From religion and sex to depression and bullying, it was all addressed through her stories. She said, ‘The child from 9 to 12 interests me very much. And so, those were the years that I like to write about, when I’m writing’. Blume’s writings may enable growing children in some way to feel like they’re not alone. But it was a different culture, a different time, and the challenges of being a young adult have shifted slightly. As parents, we are the first point of contact for our children, the people who can guide them through this difficult transition with empathy and compassion. Here are some pointers to keep in mind.
Help Them Embrace The Changes Within Their Body
Gynaecologist Dr Hamsa Chaturvedi says, ‘Both boys and girls experience puberty, albeit differently. In girls, their breasts start developing, their hips widen, they have vaginal discharge, pubic hair and underarm hair growth, and they eventually experience menarche – or the onset of their first period. In boys, their voice changes and deepens, they develop testicular growth and pubic hair, and suddenly gain both height and muscle. Puberty can start anytime from age 8 – 12 for girls, and age 10 onwards for boys, although this varies.’ She adds, ‘The first thing to do is to educate your children that these changes within the body are normal. Both boys and girls experience acne and their bodies fill out a little. They have to be told that this is normal. Body positivity should be a large part of their learning at this stage, and parents should be role models. If you don’t emulate what you’re preaching, and put down yourself or others in front of your children, body image issues are more likely to crop up.’
Communicate Openly About Your Child’s Identity And Choices
‘Your child is often expected to conform to certain norms laid down by society,’ says student counsellor Dhiraj Bhatia. ‘In the process, they are never free to express their independent identity. It could be something as simple as an outlandish hairdo. On the other hand, it could be bigger – their gender identity of sexual orientation. It is important during this time to keep lines of communication open, and ensure that you create a safe space, where children feel reassured, that they can be themselves and talk to you whenever they want. Be non-judgemental about their goals and ideas, and encourage them to pursue their dreams. As long as they are not engaging in behaviours that are detrimental, keep an open mind. Make time to hear them out, and stay interested in their lives.’
Be Patient Through Mood Swings
Adolescents are usually on the cusp of an exciting new world, and often oscillate between feeling independent and wanting parenting support. From being clingy, they do a 180-degree swivel towards demanding privacy and ‘alone’ time. However, they still need nurturing and comfort from you, and this paradox can often confuse them. Add to this mix heightened emotions due to hormonal changes, and feelings of anxiety thanks to changes in their social interactions with peers and peer pressure. You’ve got yourself a recipe for emotional outbursts that can be trying for you, as well as for them. The first step is to stay calm. Remember, you’re the adult and you don’t need to retaliate the same way or use a similar tone and stance. Wait for them to cool down before addressing them. Be clear that you understand what they’re going through, but you are still in charge and will set reasonable limits. It's like walking a tightrope - teach them their actions have consequences, but also be generous with your praise.
Educate Them On The Pros And Cons Of Social Media
Like it or not, your teenager is going to be curious about social media at some point. While this can open their minds to new ideas and help them stay connected with friends, it has a lot of downsides that you need to talk to your child about. Social media addiction is dangerous, and can lead to spending too much time online consuming inappropriate content at the risk of setting aside the joys of the real world. Cyberbullying is another danger that can impact your child’s mental health. Your child is also vulnerable when they share images or texts that are sensitive in nature, so they have to be cautioned against it. It also helps if you’re not scrolling through your social media feed 24 x 7 and set boundaries for the family to follow suit.
Watch Out For Risky Behaviours
‘Substance abuse can rear its head during this time, as adolescents are often curious about smoking, drinking and narcotics,’ says Dhiraj. ‘Keep an eye on your child and watch out for any warning signs that your child is engaging in such behaviours. Substance use can lead to addictions that are physically harmful and have negative long-term mental health effects as well.’ He adds, ‘Teach your child about sex, and how to make good decisions. This involves safe sex practices, and choosing their friends and peer groups wisely. Don’t shy away from even the most awkward conversations. It is better your child gets credible information from you, rather than a mish-mash of unverified facts from anyone else.’
Look After Yourself
It’s easy to feel run down and worn out on this roller-coaster ride of parenting an adolescent. Don’t let it bog you down. Take good care of yourself, and make time for exercise and meditation. Trust your parenting skills and accept that you may not have control over a lot of their choices. They have to learn from their own mistakes, and puberty is your first step towards letting them go. Surround yourself with a support system of other teen parents, and discuss things with your partner as well – after all, you’re on this journey together.