Remember ‘Bend it like Beckham’? This seemingly light and frothy Gurinder Chadha comedy was actually rife with socially-relevant undertones. Jess, a British Indian girl, wants to play football instead of making round chapattis, much to the chagrin of her conservative parents. Note, this was back in 2002, when women’s representation in most sports was little more than tokenism. Her father eventually resists, but then comes to terms with the fact that his daughter is an ace football player - better than most men - and even cheers her on her path to self-discovery. Now this may not be the full-fledged feminist parenting movement you’re rooting for, but it certainly is a work in progress. And that’s what being a feminist dad is all about – constantly unlearning and relearning.
The word ‘patriarchy’ literally means ‘rule by the father or pater’ in Greek. For millennia, the traditional way of doing things was to consider the father the head of the family and the decision-maker. This privilege was simply handed over to him, and children of both genders grew up watching the power dynamics at play. Today though, there is enough of a movement that conversation to end this cycle, and part of it begins with how fathers choose to parent their kids.
Focus On Unconscious Biases
‘Let’s just put it out there – feminist dads aren’t just for girls,’ says Leela M Keerthana, a counsellor with a Chennai-based NGO. ‘Feminist dads are for everyone. Boys need them as much as girls do. There are gendered expectations for mothers and fathers, and even for the children in a family. Boys must not cry. They have to look after their sisters. Girls must be nurturing. These are all unconscious gender biases that we need to look into. How do fathers speak to their wives and treat them? Is it an equal marriage or a hierarchical one? Also, dads and moms need to watch what they say, even in jest. It’s never just a joke – your son will emulate it, and your daughter will learn to put up with it.’
Buy Them The Same Things
Of course, your children have personal preferences. But if you have to choose, don’t differentiate between a boy and a girl. Your son may want a pink doll’s house, and that’s fine. Your daughter may want a remote-controlled car, and that’s fine too. When you differentiate on the basis of colour, taste and other preferences, it sends a clear signal that you’re stereotyping them into two different buckets. And remember patriarchy can hurt boys just as much as it can hurt girls.
Embrace Critical Consciousness
What’s a ‘good dad’? The definition is constantly changing. Earlier, a good dad was someone who provided for his family, and ensured their security. Today, with women on equal footing financially, equity and inclusivity are essential to being a good dad as well. Is it okay for a man to stay on the sidelines while a woman goes out there to achieve things? Yes, if it makes financial sense for a family, it’s no one else’s business. In addition, it is also important to listen to your child’s experiences and world view and adjust your gender lens accordingly. If you find that you’re not aligned, look within to critique and reframe your responses. Talk to your daughters free of patriarchal messaging. Teach your sons to interact with girls without a layer of privilege and misogyny.
Learn To Parent Your Kids
‘I cannot tell you how important it is,’ says life coach Swastika Subramaniam. ‘Even in cases where fathers spend equal time with their kids, they can afford to be the more lenient parent, finding time for play and fun, because the mothers have already done all the heavy lifting. They’ve got the home schedule in place, defined and executed the logistics, and even prepared checklists for everyone else to follow. In contrast, men are able to approach childcare in a more relaxed way. Remember men, when your wife is the tougher parent, it’s not necessarily motivated by love, but by necessity. She may like some downtime goofing off with her child as well! The best way to be a feminist dad, and send the right message out to your children, is to distribute work and play evenly between both parents.’
Feminism isn’t a battle of the sexes. Instead, it is a movement to end sexism, and the best place to start is at home. Ziauddin Yousafzai is a classic example. 'Even though Malala was born into a patriarchal society, I wasn’t worried that it would limit her in this world. I looked at her lying in her cradle, I believed that she could do anything. I had faith in her and that was enough. I needed faith in my own position as her father too, and pledged to her and myself that as long as I was beside her, supporting her, nothing could stand in her way… When people ask me how Malala became who she is, I say, ‘Ask me not what I did but what I did not do. I did not clip her wings.’