When we are in college, most of us tend to set simple criteria for a partner: smart, gives attention and is fun. That’s why you might date much easier when you are younger. But as we grow, and we seek more meaning from our relationships, we tend to choose to be single over being with someone just for the heck of it. And whether you are looking for an arranged match or you’re dating to marry, it is a long-term commitment that can impact the quality of your life. This is why we become even more choosy.
For me, my partner mustn't be sexist (I have a low tolerance for that nonsense). Of course, there are aspects like how they resolve conflicts, whether or not you enjoy their company, aren’t selfish, and so much more. The list is really, a long one. But while we are focussing so much on their connection with us, we might also want to take into consideration how they will be as parents.
Here’s why it’s important for me to marry someone who will be a good parent.
I want my child to have a secure attachment style
According to a study, “Secure attachment in childhood occurs when a parent is responsive to the needs of the child. This allows the child to explore the environment safe, and it develops confidence in its ability to interact with autonomous world, to face challenges, and regulate their own emotions.” It is also observed that the attachment style one develops as a child extends to their adult relationships as well, with their peers, their children as well as romantic partners. With your parenting style, you can set your child up for a life of fulfilling relationships and confidence. This is why I want a partner who will be responsive to our child’s needs.
I want my child to be confident
Several studies are pointing out that confident kids perform better, have less anxiety and form healthy relationships. According to a study, parents with an authoritative (not authoritarian) style raise children with higher self-esteem. This style involves unconditional love, and “acceptance of the child's behaviour within certain limits, with relatively firm control.” Authoritarian style on the other hand involves “imposing their will on the child without any give and take.” Your parenting styles can thus have a huge impact on your child’s self-esteem and I would want a partner who can positively contribute to raising a confident kid.
I want my child to know nothing but equality
Firstly, it’s not just about your children; you should not marry someone whose attitude reeks of sexism. This is bound to affect your own mental health and that of your children. Secondly, studies have found sexism—be it benevolent or hostile—to be intergenerational. Marry someone who believes in equality and treats you with dignity. Our children, sons and daughters alike, should know nothing but a world where their gender doesn’t make them believe they can or cannot do something.
I want my child to have a safety net
It’s beneficial for children to be able to take calculated risks in life. Trying and failing is much better than not trying at all. However, when children (even young adults) don’t have supportive parents, their risk appetite remains small. This is why, I feel that as parents, we should be able to provide that safety net to our children. When something goes wrong, they should be comfortable enough to tell us, instead of getting themselves in more trouble.
I want my child to have good mental wellbeing
According to a study, parental responses to their child’s emotions influence their ability to deal with stress as young adults. Positive emotional socialisation will help your child be less anxious and have a better stress response. It might take some effort on your part, but find someone who has worked on getting rid of their baggage so they can fully invest in their relationship with you and be a parent that doesn’t give their child anxiety as an inheritance.
Things to watch out for:
· Their attitude towards equality
· Their emotional availability
· Their demandingness and degree of control
· Their response to stressful situations
· Their level of acceptance and understanding
Also Read: 5 Things I Learnt About Healing From The Worst Breakup Of My Life
Also Read: Worried About Your Relationships? Here’s What You Need To Know About Anxious Attachment Style