Relationships are like fingerprints. They’re unique and no two are the same. And yet, they’re all loosely alike in terms of social structure. Husband and wife. People casually dating. A couple in a serious relationship. Every romantic relationship comes with a broad set of rules, which are usually adhered to.
In 2006, Swedish activist Andie Nordgren released a radical pamphlet, which was online much later in 2012 as ‘The Short Instructional Manifesto for Relationship Anarchy’. She effectively coined the terminology that challenged a traditional set of rules. Instead, she reiterated that Relationship Anarchy means that romantic partners get to make their own rules instead of conforming to society’s pre-set norms. Here, the standards are set solely and consensually by the two people in the relationship.
‘Relationship Anarchy is where behaviours and patterns are based on love, respect, and willingness, rather than adhering to entitlement and societal constraints,’ says psychologist Dr Manjula MK. ‘It fosters greater trust because each partner honestly communicates what works for them and what doesn’t. You’re in the relationship, doing what you do primarily because you want to. It has very little to do with obligations and expectations. In that sense, it is actually a political concept – it allows people to govern themselves responsibly, rather than adhering to the norm. This is an anarchist approach, hence the terminology used’
However, Relationship Anarchy is not an excuse to behave badly in a way that disrespects your partner. it is important that both parties in the relationship are on the same page, and consent to the terms and conditions. This means communication is very important because you’ve got to voice even the slightest hesitation and speak up. Relationship Anarchy can be practiced by any couple seeking to create their own rules, but it typically finds favour among the queer community, and others who choose non-traditional partnerships.
Nordgren’s short manifesto, when translated reads as follows:
‘Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique
Love and respect instead of entitlement
Find your core set of relationship values
Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you
Build for the lovely unexpected
Fake it til’ you make it
Trust is better
Change through communication
Customise your commitments’
Another aspect of Relationship Anarchy is that it is non-hierarchical. What does this mean? Psychology student Triyambak H explains, ‘The world has us believe that our romantic partner or spouse is the most important person in our life, but Relationship Anarchy busts this myth. When you apply this concept to your life, you acknowledge that this privilege is not restricted to romantic relationships. A friend or a co-worker can be an equally or more important person. In other words, a platonic relationship can sometimes take precedence over a non-platonic one.’
This can be challenging, because society ingrains the thought in us very early, that we must prioritise romantic love over all other relationships. However, the idea is that all relationships must be considered important. You do not have to use labels such as ‘husband’ or ‘friend’ and slot them accordingly in the pecking order. This goes hand in hand with the idea that love is not a finite resource that is restricted to the couple. It takes many forms and one has the capacity to love and support one’s friends and extended group abundantly as well.
Relationship anarchy is often confused with concepts like polygamy and polyamory, but they’re not the same thing. Practicing Relationship Anarchy doesn’t mean that you have to be radical in your approach, or get into a non-monogamous relationship. You can be monogamous and yet create your own rule book.
‘With Relationship Anarchy, you’re creating your individual goals and milestones as well,’ says Dr Manjula. ‘The customised approach is all about deciding your own negotiables and non-negotiables. Right and wrong is relative, as long as you’re not involving or hurting anyone else, so you have to determine your own set of values. Seek things and people that create meaning and connection in your life without succumbing to external pressure. So, a house may not be on your wish list; instead, you may feel like spending your down payment on a luxury cruise. That’s perfectly okay, as long as you’re both on the same page.’
For those of us watching from the sidelines, we can support couples practicing Relationship Anarchy through respectful, non-judgemental behaviour. If executed right, the values of Relationship Anarchy can be honed, developed, and passed on as a framework to the next generation – where they’re able to set their own boundaries and rules based on mutual respect and understanding, rather than entitlement.