Let’s face it, we’ve all stalked an ex at some point. Or at least resisted the urge to - that is, the more strong-willed! Even those of us who came of age in the ‘90s, when the internet was shiny and new and social media was still a far-reaching myth, couldn’t resist walking past our past paramours’ houses or their usual haunts. Unless it was a Glenn Close-like fetish for Michael Douglas (younger millennials and Gen Zers may not remember ‘Fatal Attraction’ as the ultimate stalking-your-ex movie), that’s where the obsession used to end.
Now though, day-to-day updates of your ex’s life, lifestyle, and love are laid bare through social media. It’s hard to stop yourself from stalking someone, especially since it requires no effort other than the click of a button. Instead, Instagram and Facebook photographs and feeds on your ex’s profile might be enough to send you into whirlpools of anguish and hold you back from taking that all-important step – moving on.
“The issue with social media is that people only put up ‘happy posts’ or things that present them in a positive light,” says Hyderabad-based relationship counsellor Bharathi Y Reddy. “Even if the other person is grieving, you won’t be able to find out. This can be nerve-wracking since it makes you feel worse about yourself. You question whether they were equally invested when you were together, whether they’re seeing someone else, whether they’re thinner than you... The only way to stop this vicious cycle of self-doubt and angst is to detach. This is easier said than done, given our personal and professional lives are contained in a smartphone. But remember, what was and what is should not matter to you anymore. There were problems, you broke up, and you cannot live in the hope that somehow the situation will magically change. Keep yourself busy with work, or a hobby you’ve been postponing. Surround yourself with people who care and fill your life with laughter. Up your fitness game.”
A survey conducted by Specops Soft revealed that 27 per cent of 2,568 participants even continued to log into an ex’s social media account after a breakup. (Hasn’t anyone heard of changing passwords?). According to an article published in Newsweek in November 2022, a study from Columbia University found that when participants looked at photos of a recent ex, the same centres in their brains lit up as when they were poked in the arm by a red-hot probe. The same thing did not happen when the same participants were asked to look at photos of their friends.
Remember a line from Real Housewives of Atlanta? ‘Delete. Erase. Unfollow. Whatever’. Now that’s some sound advice we endorse. “If you can’t detach organically, it’s time to block and delete your ex from your list of social media contacts,” says Nakul Bahadur, who is part of a tech deaddiction centre in Bengaluru. “Look for apps that may aid you in this process, and also friends who will check in on you to make sure you’re sticking to your resolve. Stalking your ex online is just a bad habit, and like all other habits that are toxic for you, you need to break it before it breaks you. And trust me, you don’t owe your ex any explanations or courtesies in this regard. Everyone needs to cope with a breakup at their own pace. While you’re at it, block or restrict his friends as well – especially if you’re likely to spot him on their social media feed.” Bahadur also suggests taking a complete break from social media yourself, and uninstalling all apps on your device so that it helps resist the temptation to some extent.
“Here are some pointers,” he adds. “Whenever you feel like seeing what your ex is up to, hold on. Wait for 3-5 minutes and see if the feeling passes. Call a friend and tell them to talk you out of it, if you need to. Remind yourself how you felt when you last checked out their page, and ask what you’re seeking by spending all this time fruitlessly online. And whatever you do, don’t post cryptic or direct messages alluding to your ex and the breakup when the wounds are still raw. They will return to haunt you long after the relationship has ceased mattering.”
In 2021, Norton Cyber Safety released a report, stating that 74 per cent of Indian adults in a romantic relationship have stalked their current or former partner online without their consent. While we get the emotional need to do that, these statistics do not look good in any way – particularly if you’re part of the majority! Does this mean you can’t be friends with your ex in the future? “Absolutely not,” says Reddy. “But your brain, body, and heart need to detach during the transition period without any lapses or distractions. It’s as simple as that. Seeing photographs, videos and reading text put out by that person can hamper your progress because it triggers familiar memories. Wait for the grieving process to pass entirely before you even think of making contact again. Chances are though, once you reach that stage you won’t bother with it!”
Reddy also advises you to focus on your partner’s negative qualities and why you broke up, instead of remembering the good times and ringing up positive memories. Nostalgia and ‘the way things were’ are very different from ‘the way things are’. Social media can portray a person at their best, and steer you off course, but writing down notes to counter that can help.
“Some of you may also play games online, manipulating your ex into thinking you’re living it up, posting your own ‘happy posts’ and making yourself seem brighter and more desirable than you feel,” says Reddy. “Instead of wasting time and energy on something that is going nowhere, put it into actual self-care – for the real, living, thriving, offline version of yourself.”