Last year, I was hanging out with a couple of acquaintances, and they happened to be having a conversation that left me confused. They were discussing what their husbands allow them to do and what they don’t. One of them was talking about how her husband doesn’t allow her to go on trips with her girlfriends and the other one, very joyfully said that her spouse does. I couldn’t stop myself from asking them what does it even mean when they say their partners allows them to do something.
I understand my privilege here thanks to being raised in a family that never taught me that I am less than someone with a Y chromosome. Many women remain almost blissfully unaware of their equal status in a relationship, simply because of what they have accepted to be normal in a patriarchal society.
It saddened me, that conversation. And then, I had another friend talk to me about a similar situation, although this one was aware of how it is not okay for your partner to feel they have that kind of authority.
So, each time I watch Dil Dhadakne Do and the scene in which Farhan Akhtar’s character schools Rahul Bose’s character for seemingly “allowing” his wife to work comes on, it gives me goosebumps! I wish I could play it on loop on every TV channel. I wish!
If you find yourself in a similar dynamic or are simply wondering about it, here’s why sentences that begin with ‘My partner allows me to…’ are anti-equality.
It means your partner is superior to you
Of course, as a couple you become one team and I am all up for it. It means checking with each other and keeping in mind each other’s comfort levels with certain things. But if your partner has the authority to outright allow or not allow you to do things, it means they see themselves as your superior. Say for instance, your parents would prohibit you from certain things when you were younger because they did have superiority. Your younger sibling would not and could not do that, right? Giving such kind of power to your partner means establishing an unequal dynamic in your relationship.
It rips you off your autonomy
When it comes to choices that affect both of you, it should be a combined decision, with each one of you having an equal say in the matter. But when it comes to things that involve your personal freedom to do something, your partner should not be the one dictating terms. You have the autonomy, as a fully functional adult, to make your personal choices. If your partner thinks they have to allow you to wear certain clothes, meet certain people, or go to work, they are ripping you off your autonomy.
It makes you dependent on them
Your partner cannot “allow” you to work. Your partner cannot “allow” you to go out with friends. It is your choice. And if they are exercising such power over you, they are knowingly or unknowingly acting as a parent figure, making you dependent on them. You get so used to them deciding what’s good or bad for you that you start lacking the confidence to make decisions for yourself.
They may have a controlling personality
It may seem cute initially that your partner is so concerned about your wellbeing. You may even begin to see it all as a love language. But the concern is about providing support and making the other person want to make the changes that would promote their wellbeing. But if you have to seek their permission to do or not do things in life, seems like they may have a knack for controlling you.
How to reclaim your autonomy in a relationship
- Be firm about your boundaries and let them know that certain things are entirely up to you to decide.
- Take their ‘suggestions’ but not their ‘commands’.
- If you feel they tend to do it unknowingly, have a clear conversation with them about why they should not overwrite your autonomy.
- See a relationship counsellor if you must.
Also Read: How To Practice Freedom Within Your Relationships