Have you ever noticed how you or your partner are in a relationship? Maybe at first it’s all going well and good, until one of you suddenly starts maintaining some distance. Or you become uncomfortable when it comes to too much affection. And when it’s time to take things to the next level, there is a significant amount of hesitation before you actually make up your mind. This is a sign that either your or your partner have an avoidant attachment style, which is one of the four main attachment styles in relationships. Let’s find out what it entails.
Our attachment style, or how we act in relationships, is a direct reflection of how we were cared for as babies. Your relationships in early childhood develops an attachment pattern known as avoidant attachment. “Children who do not receive sympathetic reactions to their demands or discomfort are more likely to develop this condition. Children that have an avoidant attachment style may develop a strong sense of self-reliance, both physically and emotionally,” says Ms Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, rehabilitation, and sports medicine department, Sir HN Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai.
Causes
In general, infants and children require a deep bond with their parent or caregiver. When attempts to build a stable attachment are repeatedly rejected, a child may learn to repress their desire for comfort when worried or upset. Ms Dordi explains, “When a parent or caregiver is regularly emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to a new born or young kid, avoidant attachment develops. Infants with an avoidant attachment style may have been discouraged from crying or exhibiting outward emotion on multiple occasions.”
She further goes on to add that a parent or caregiver of a kid with avoidant attachment may:
• Lack understanding about how to help their child
• Lack empathy
• Feel overburdened by parental obligations
• Lack commitment, or have an avoidant attachment style themselves
Avoidant attachment children may become disconnected from their own wants and feelings. As a result, they lack the motivation or faith in others to seek assistance or support.
Signs
Children
Ms Dordi shares that a youngster with an avoidant attachment style may not show any signs of wanting to be close, affectionate, or loved. “Internally, though, the youngster may experience worry and anxiety. These youngsters may also desire to be around but not interact with their primary caregiver. They may also refuse to be touched by their caregiver,” she adds.
Adults
Next, she explains that attachment types, as well as the behaviours that go with them, can endure far into adulthood. Adults with an avoidant attachment style may have the following experiences:
• Withdrawing and coping with bad situations alone
• Suppressing emotions
• Avoiding complaining, preferring to sulk or hint at what is wrong
• Being passive
• Suppressing unwanted memories
• Withdrawing, or tuning out, from uncomfortable conversations
• Being overly focused on their own demands and comforts
• Fearing rejection
• Having a strong sense of independence
• Having sentiments of high self-esteem while having a poor image of others
Depression, clinically significant anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), suicidal tendencies, and eating disorders are all linked to avoidant attachment, according to Ms Dordi.
Avoidant Attachment And Relationships
Relationships with people who have avoidant attachment are prone to be rough and dramatic. Ms Dordi points out the following characteristics/triggers to watch out for:
• Non-committal bonds: While people who are afraid of avoidant attachment desire to be in a relationship, their impulses work against them. They don't want to be intimate in a relationship, so casual sex may feel safer.
• Unpredictability: People that have this attachment style are afraid of being abandoned. They also don't want to be stuck in a relationship. As a result, they experience emotional highs and lows. It may inhibit a long-term meaningful relationship.
• Distanced behaviours: When a person with fearful avoidant attachment feels compelled to express their emotions and private ideas, they may completely shut down communication.
Tips To Manage Your Feelings
These strategies can help you learn to deal as you begin to better understand and change your relationships if you have avoidant attachment or are in a relationship with someone who does:
• Encourage them to talk about how they're feeling or what they're afraid of, but don't push them. They may be forced to shut down as a result of this.
• If your partner or loved one has this attachment style, they are afraid that you will abandon them or that you will leave them. Be reassuring and encouraging. Seeing that you're there for them during this period of growth and transition will help them feel more confident.
• It's critical that you begin to understand why you make the choices you do in your sex life and relationships, and mindfulness—the practise of being present and aware of one's emotions—can be a useful tool for doing so.
Dealing With Someone With Avoidant Attachment Issues
Ms Dordi lists out the following suggestions may assist you manage your relationship:
• Space Over Chase: If your companion is evasive, you may feel compelled to "chase" them. You strive harder to get near to them when they pull away. This appears to you to be a solution to the problem. They, on the other hand, feel as though they are being suffocated. Stopping the chase or trying to bridge the emotional gap may seem illogical. Your partner, on the other hand, will have to acclimate to this on their own.
• Back To Basics: Regardless of whether you or your spouse are avoidant, it's critical to understand why you were drawn to each other in the first place. Finding a balance between closeness and independence can be as simple as having honest conversations about what you genuinely want out of your relationship, and why you fell in love in the first place.
• Expectations VS Reality: It's critical to have realistic expectations of your relationship. It would be ideal if you all agreed to work together to grow and learn. You can get through the tough times if you truly love each other and are ready to put in the effort.
• Trust Factor: In order for your relationship to be successful, you must first establish genuine trust. You must have faith in each other that you will stick together through thick and thin and that you will always respect each other's boundaries.
• Counselling: It might be tough to restore your relationship with an avoidant partner or to change your own avoidant attachment style. Attending relationship counselling for support and assistance could be a good idea.