Intimacy and trust are required in close relationships. In romantic relationships, this is especially true. While your relationship with your significant other may be the strongest in your life, it may be generating tension and distress (unbeknownst to either of you).
If you don't handle a dispute with your partner appropriately, it can develop into resentment and, eventually, a crisis in your relationship. Every partnership has two people, and each brings their unique communication patterns, relationship history and expectations, and preconceived assumptions to the table. It takes time and effort to develop healthy and open communication in a romantic relationship. Being attentive to a few essential things when discussing and working through heated situations or even ordinary talks with your partner will help you maintain healthy and productive communication modes.
Avoid Avoidance
You might be tempted to use the "count to ten" rule if you're in the middle of a fight. If you do this within a few moments, or even minutes, your emotions will calm down, and your mind will be able to focus and potentially be more present. If "10 seconds" grows into an afternoon (or longer), you've crossed the line into avoidance behaviour. Allow yourself time to compose yourself, but don't let your conflicts go "on hold" for so long that your partner feels left holding the emotional bag or that disputes and disagreements will never be resolved. Simply said, if you don't confront an issue, you risk allowing it to fester and evolve into a more serious problem.
Here's a suggestion. Avoid using "but" statements while addressing a problem. To put it another way, be direct. Don't use a "but" to soften the "bad news." The use of a "but" warns your partner that a critical remark or complaint is on the way, setting you both up for a fight when one isn't necessary. You'll be able to start working on a constructive solution right away if you address the problem directly.
If you want to soften the "impact" a little, go straight to the problem. If you don't like it when your partner is on their phone at dinner, for example, don't say something like, "I love eating dinner with you, but I hate that you're always on your phone." Instead, start with the problem: "I don't like it when you're on your phone at dinner because I want to spend one-on-one time with you." With this technique, you're confronting the problem head-on while also reassuring your spouse that you love them and that the change you're requesting is for the relationship's benefit. This method will be especially useful when dealing with more complex topics such as finances or intimacy.
Another reason to fight the temptation to avoid conflict is that the longer you "let things go," the more likely you are to explode down the road, seemingly out of nowhere. If it's a minor issue or inconvenience at first, or even a minor desire, the longer you avoid discussing it with your partner, the more it will irritate you. It will start to irritate you and become a source of dispute for you. If you can no longer contain your feelings about the issue, neither of you will be psychologically or emotionally prepared for the conversation if it occurs after the first moment.
Instead, deal with the problem head-on. Instead of depicting the issue as a fact, start the conversation by mentioning the problem and adding that it is about your point of view or thoughts about the circumstance. Re-examining the issue of the phone at the dinner table, the following approach may be beneficial: "I'd like to express my feelings about how we spend our time together." This personalises the conversation and might serve as a springboard for a bigger discussion regarding your partner's phone usage and the amount of time you spend together. Always remember to bring up a topic that gets under your skin or displays a yearning for change at a calm, neutral time. Avoid bringing up this topic in the middle of another fight or when you're pressed for time, such as right before work.
Active Listening And Feedback
Being fully present when conversing with someone else is surprisingly challenging, especially when the setting is heated. It's crucial to exercise active listening while chatting with your partner about a significant issue or a point of contention. Avoid distractions and make an effort to pay attention to your spouse. This involves paying attention to what they're saying and the context in which they're saying it, rather than utilising the time you're not talking to plan your rebuttal. With an open heart and mind, take in what they say and pay attention to what they're saying.
Begin by setting that goal for yourself. Declare to yourself that you want to hear what your spouse has to say, comprehend their perspective, and learn what they're feeling. Your body language might also communicate to your companion that you're paying attention. Maintain eye contact, sit facing your spouse rather than sideways, and lean in closer while they speak. Fidgeting, tapping your fingers or feet, and playing with other objects like your phone, pens, or TV remote are all bad ideas.
Help your spouse understand that you're paying attention and trying to understand what they're saying by actively listening to what they're saying. The first step is to restate what your spouse has said to demonstrate that you listened and understand what they're trying to say. This will go a long way toward making your partner feel heard and validated. Even if you don't completely understand or agree with what they've stated, starting here establishes the foundation for a productive discussion. For example, you could begin by saying, "From what you've stated, I understand you're dissatisfied with me because I didn't pay attention to you at dinner."
If that isn't the major issue, this gives your spouse the opportunity to clarify and steer the talk in the right direction. You'll avoid going around in circles and instead get right to the heart of the problem this way. When it's your chance to say what's bothering you, your spouse is more likely to treat you with the same respect and concern. This is a difficult ability to learn right away, so be patient with yourself and your partner as you try to allow each other time and space to talk and be heard.
Being Understanding VS Being Understood
Making it a priority to understand your partner and their perspective might pave the way for a more open and fruitful conversation. While it's wonderful to be heard and understood, learning to shift your attention from wanting to be understood to wanting to understand your partner will strengthen your empathy for them and help you with active listening.
This transformation has far-reaching implications. If you're looking to be understood first, you might find yourself trapped explaining how you're feeling attacked right now. This will make it harder for you to recognise that if your partner is angry, it's likely that their anger is a symptom of another feeling, such as hurt or fear. Holding the concept that you must first understand your spouse in your thoughts might help you better grasp where they are coming from and prevent feeling threatened.
Emotional Intimacy And Trust
When emotional connection and trust have been developed before to the topic, emotionally charged, tough conversations are easier to manage. In some ways, trust and emotional links allow each of you to trust that the other is coming into the talk with their best intentions. Spend time with your partner doing something you both enjoy, or go somewhere you both enjoy.
Make sure your partner feels respected and appreciated as well. Spend time expressing your admiration for your mate and demonstrating that you appreciate what they do for you. These details are often overlooked in the midst of day-to-day life with your partner, but they are crucial. When it's time to talk about your problem, making your spouse feel appreciated might help them trust that the conversation won't turn into a crisis. Asking for guidance and accepting their influence can also help you create trust and intimacy with your relationship. If you're a writer, have your spouse read your work and make suggestions if that's something you're comfortable with.
Sharing a piece of your life with your partner can show them how much you value their perspective and opinion, as well as how important their influence is in your life. You may feel alienated from your partner during a difficult talk as emotions become heated and sentiments are harmed. This is also a result of your body and brain becoming overworked as a result of mental stress.
Reach out to your mate in a physical way to reintroduce connection and intimacy into your relationship. Holding your partner's hand or putting your arm around their shoulder might show them that you care and that you are there for them. If the conversation is very hot, though, ask first before engaging in physical contact, as this may push your partner away.
Take Ownership
Make an effort to acknowledge your emotions. Instead of using "you" statements, use "I" statements. "I'm disappointed that we aren't having as many connected times as we used to," for example. "You're always on your phone, and I'm tired of it!" on the other hand, is likely to make your partner feel attacked and unable to continue the conversation without defending themselves. Beginning with "I," on the other hand, indicates to your spouse that this is not an attack on them, but rather a chance for you to explain how their actions have affected you.
In the same manner, accept responsibility for your mistakes and apologise. There is no guilt in apologising, even if it may not feel that way at the time. This affirms your partner's emotions, and accepting responsibility for your actions and remarks can go a long way toward establishing trust. When you make a mistake, be patient with yourself. This will make it easier for you to admit your flaws and shortcomings, and you will feel less embarrassed when you need to apologise to your partner.
Use Humour
Things can get heated and uncomfortable during difficult conversations on occasion. Break the ice with a little levity in these situations. It might be anything from making a funny face to joking around. A little jest might sometimes be enough to shift a conversation from the verge of becoming a full-fledged dispute to one that is productive. Only you can decide whether it's suitable, and only you know how your spouse will react. If, on the other hand, a conversation is swiftly devolving into something bad, lightening the situation is something to consider.
Common Goals
The ability of you and your partner to identify what the most desirable end of the conversation will be can affect the outcome of an argument or difficult debate. If you go into the talk with different goals in mind, neither of you will likely be satisfied by the end. Your partner will have felt pressured, and you may have agreed to something you wouldn't have done in a different situation. If you go into the conversation with a clear goal in mind for both of you, your talk will feel more like a negotiation between two partners rather than two opponents. The more emotionally upsetting the conversation, the more important it is to have clear goals for the chat so that both of you feel cared for and safe at the end of it.
Stay Optimistic
Try not to believe that everything is lost. If you believe the situation is hopeless, you'll begin to perceive even your partner's simplest words through a negative lens. You won't be able to have a meaningful conversation if you've already convinced yourself that it's futile to participate if your partner approaches you with a chat about their needs and desires.
This mindset may also hinder you from initiating essential conversations since you've convinced yourself that it's pointless to try. Your relationship will simply stagnate if you keep this perspective, and certainly, all may be lost.
Instead, remind yourself that you and your partner are on this road together as you work through challenging topics. Even during the most difficult conversations, remembering that you're two people who want the same thing (a good and meaningful relationship) will help you and your partner stay positive.
Explore Couples Therapy
If your communication lines have been shut and you're having insurmountable problems in your relationship, it's time to seek professional help. It's important to remember that many couples wait until their relationship is on the point of breaking down before seeking help. In fact, it takes an average of six years for a couple to seek counselling because they are unhappy. If you and your partner are having serious issues, the sooner you learn new ways to communicate with one other, the better.