Have you ever dated someone whose enthusiasm in life felt like a draught in comparison to your ocean of fervour? At some point, I was dating someone whose desire to celebrate anything was as low as my bank balance when I was a fresh graduate. When I look at the pictures of my birthday dinner with him, I have unhappiness written all over my face in bold. Diwali was me, dressed in Indian wear and him, sitting in a pair of shorts and a tank. The thing is, special occasions, give you a glimpse into the life you’d have, in the years to come.
Birthdays, anniversaries and festivals happen every year. And if you are on the same page, building memories every year on those special days makes you feel alive. Things didn’t last with him, because I didn’t want to get bored at every occasion, every year of my life.
According to a 2020 University of Illinois study, rituals and festivals allow couples to assess their partnership for longevity. “Rituals have the power to bond individuals and give us a preview into family life and couple life. We found they help magnify normative relationship experiences,” says Chris Maniotes, lead author of the paper, published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
You’re making memories
We don’t celebrate birthdays with random people we don’t care for. We wish to celebrate occasions with people close to us, people who make us happy. So naturally, we’d want our partners with us. It also means that these are the days we essentially remember. Like you may forget the uneventful dinner you had but you will remember the beautiful moments you spent on New Year’s Eve. These landmark days leave a memory behind, and depending on how it went, the memories can look like a lavender meadow or as a train wreck.
“Rituals provide a unique time to review one’s partner and relationship; you get to see a host of behaviors and interactions that might normally be obscured…Some of the ways rituals affected commitment to wed with these couples was by altering their view of their partner, giving them a new perspective,” Maniotes points out.
If you spend good time together, you will have so many memories to look back at, and you realise all those precious moments brought you closer.
You wonder what kind of couple you are
Whether we do it consciously or subconsciously, we do tend to assess our partners through moments like these. It’s not saying that just because you had great fun on one Christmas, you’re bound to marry. But many couples look at this aspect before deciding to move ahead.
“Rituals seem to really play a role in pausing and slowing down individuals, helping them take a better look at their relationship. They help them see, ‘this is who we are as a couple; this is who we are as a family,’” Maniotes adds.
If the real image matches the image in your mind, you will feel more reassured that you both fit in well.
It helps you understand how you come to a middle ground
The thing is, your partner may not always want to celebrate an occasion the way you want. For instance, if you want to go out for a Christmas party and your partner wants to snuggle, drink hot cocoa and watch movies with you. So how do you decide what to do? Are they stubborn? Do they sulk if you “win”? Or are they flexible and you both can come to a happy conclusion? Some questions can predict how you resolve conflicts in other aspects of your life.
“Just recognizing the importance of rituals in our lives, and the magnitude of the role they play, can help us integrate them in an intentional way,” Maniotes concludes.
How to ensure occasions bring you closer?
- Irrespective of your other commitments, take time out to meet your partner and spend some quality time with them.
- If both of you wish to celebrate differently, either find a way to do both or simply do what both of you can agree upon. If there’s no middle ground, you both can take turns to decide what to do on an occasion – say, you get Diwali, they get New Year’s.
- Plan activities together, it can be as simple as running errands, decorating together or shopping.
- Make your own traditions and rituals. It can be as simple as dressing up in complementary colours and clicking pictures, in similar poses. Or shopping for festive décor and gifts together. Or having breakfast the next day after celebrations.
Also Read: How Holidays Affect Our Relationships And Dating Life