When it comes to sex education, if you’ve been fortunate enough to have any, it still doesn’t come with any information on consent. Most schools impart abstinence-based sex-ed that doesn’t step a foot outside the boundary of biology. Back when I was in school, sex-ed was split between two sessions, brimming with human diagrams and awkward giggles echoing in the auditorium.
With no education on consent and several questionable sources that acquaint youngsters with sex, we have a plethora of people, widely ignorant about boundaries—be it defining or respecting them. In a society that loves to pretend that unmarried adults must refrain from pre-marital sex, where do youngsters learn about their own rights? In a society that refuses to consider marital rape a criminal offence, where does the conversation about consent come in?
Unfortunately, consent remains a grey area as many people consider their perception of a situation or a person’s body language a definite indicator of someone’s willingness to indulge in sexual activities.
Here’s why I believe it is important to normalise seeking verbal consent, even in a long-term relationship.
Being in a relationship doesn’t give a free pass
According to a 2020 study by the National Youth Council of Ireland, young people (58 per cent of the sample group) don’t know what consent means, and this is worrying, to say the least. The study pointed out that in a relationship, many people didn’t know if it’s okay to withdraw consent while already engaged in sexual activity with their partner. Several people also believe that being in a relationship means that they have their partner’s nod for everything sexual.
According to a 2019 study titled ‘Standard of Consent in Rape Law in India: Towards an Affirmative Standard’ published in Berkeley Journal of Gender, Law & Justice, many women seemingly “consent” to sex in a relationship because they believe they lack an effective choice, or find submission safer than resistance.
Normalising seeking verbal consent will give people the courage to say no when they don’t want to have sex with their partners or dates. It makes people pause and think, ‘Do I really want to do this?’. At the same time, the other person needs to understand consent is not something they are entitled to.
Body language, hints and other non-verbal cues are highly unreliable
Bollywood film Pink was widely appreciated for the message on consent it sent across. The film raised several questions. If a woman agrees to join you for a drink, is she giving you consent to sexualise her? If a woman goes on a date with you, does it mean you are entitled to have sex with her? No. Yet, there isn’t a dearth of people who, with their faulty perceptions, violate another person’s boundaries.
Why should we allow other people’s faulty decoding of body language to put us in situations that feel violating, to say the least? We deserve better.
Consent goes beyond a nod to indulge in sexual activity
The ‘Bois Locker Room’ case exposed a deeper rot that exists in a society. When the horrifying group was first exposed, like the rest of the country, I was deeply disturbed—and it still haunts me that the perpetrator of crimes against women is getting younger. In an Instagram group, a bunch of teenage boys were sharing nudes of girls. How did they not think that the girls who were romantically involved with them and shared their private images, weren’t consenting to share them further?
Stealthing is the non-consensual removal of a condom while having sexual intercourse. When a woman consents to have protected sex with a man, removing the condom is very much sexual abuse. Several women are denied access to contraceptives, and that too is a violation of consent.
We need verbal consent to be so deeply embedded in our system that it feels as natural as breathing. People need to feel that they are not entitled to any authority over a woman’s bodily autonomy, and asking for permission, without any kind of coercion is the only way to go about it.
Also Read: How To Create Your Own Closure After A Breakup