When Rachel in Friends decided to get her closure by drunk-dialling Ross, it was a futile exercise, for obvious reasons. Geet in Jab We Met thought she’d get hers by giving an outlet to her frustration. Of course, that helped her in gaining her confidence back. But did it give her closure? Does closure have to be something you find externally, or through your final interaction with the object of your lost attention?
Sometimes, you are left with questions to which you may not find answers. Sometimes, you are 'left on seen'. But that doesn’t mean you will continue to harbour feelings of pain and cry yourself to sleep every night.
Finding closure is important after a breakup. But even though it may seem as unavailable as your ex, it probably isn’t. You need closure so you can transition into a new phase in a healthy manner. Whether you were ghosted, left in the dumps or had a face-to-face conversation before things ended, you need closure, and this is how you can get it.
Do not seek it from your ex
If you could share one last cup of coffee, one last laughter, one last kiss with them, would you? Would you want to cuddle with them and feel safe in their embrace just one more time, before it’s time to walk away? Do you crave to see the look in their eyes that makes you weak in the knees…just once more? As much as we’d like to believe that this is what we need to accept the end, it isn’t. And if they are not available, it can make you feel even more rejected and helpless, and that’s not what you deserve to be.
Yes, you need to say goodbye to get closure, but it’s not necessary for them to hear it. You don’t need any words from them to soothe your hurt feelings. It’s all there within you!
Accept the grief but don’t fixate on it
Experts say that after a breakup, the grieving process is the same as when a loved one passes away. It’s probably because, in both scenarios, you are losing someone precious, and experiencing an uncomfortable and sudden change in your life.
The first step of processing your feelings in a healthy manner is accepting them. There is no need to fight your emotions or to feel embarrassed about your vulnerability. It is natural, and the only way to get over it is to go through it. This will be a painful phase, so cry when you must, but ruminating will only delay the healing process. Keep your phone aside, stop stalking him while listening to heart-wrenching songs, and just get your eight hours of sleep.
Let go of the need to seek answers
You wonder why they left you all of a sudden. You think of all the possible reasons behind their disappearance from your life. But finding the answers to all those questions will probably not help you get closure, though those may just entangle you further into a rumination spree.
As much as we need answers for closure, you will have to learn to give your curiosity a rest. All you should know is that things between you ended, and the information you seek will not change that. You will find better closure in letting go of that curiosity.
Express yourself – in your journal, to a friend or a therapist
You can get closure by expressing all your inner feelings in a journal. Write a letter and pen down everything, without filters. But, don’t send it to your ex.
Share your feelings with a friend; you need the love and support of people close to you. While building walls around you and bottling your feelings may seem like a tempting choice, it is unhealthy and can cause long-term damage. Instead, vent it out and don’t let your heart harden.
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