Over the course of the past ten years, I have gone through phases of change that altered my emotional responses to a great extent. From being naïve to seemingly emotionless (on the surface) to be able to be vulnerable again—it’s been quite a journey. And the thing is that when you are the one going through it, the change feels like a tectonic shift. You don’t necessarily feel the movement, but you’re definitely not where you used to be. And a breakup—the worst one—had a lot to do with it.
Back then, I didn’t understand anything but passionate, inconvenient, and eternal kind of love. And I had this never-been-hurt kind of optimism, which believe me, doesn’t always work in your favour. When I met the guy who’d go on to break my heart, for the first time, my heart was palpitating and an inner voice told me that this moment is going to be a milestone one. I ensured I looked terrible; I didn’t wash my hair, wore pants and a top that didn’t quite match and put on a pair of the worst-looking footwear I owned. I could almost hear Phoebe looking at me and exclaiming, “My eyes, my eyes!” All this, just to repel him because I didn't want him to like me. Over the course of time, I realised I gave him much more importance than I should have. But, well, we learn from our mistakes.
Of course, as most youngsters do, I ignored the warning my gut was trying to give me and I embarked on this journey that would build me up, tear me down, and build me again. He seemed perfect and I fell in love with him. And then the inevitable happened. We broke up, he got married to someone else, and I watched my heart crumble.
It was indeed the worst breakup of my life, because not only did I have no prior experience of heartbreak and betrayal, but also because my coping mechanisms weren’t healthy. But that experience taught me lessons that I cherish even today. Here’s what I learnt from the worst breakup of my life.
1. I learnt to feel thankful for a breakup
When you are going through a breakup, you feel like life has been unfair to you. You wish things could work out. You wish you wouldn’t have met them in the first place. And, you wonder what was the point of the time you spent with them? But here’s the thing, when some time has passed and love isn’t clouding your decisions, you will feel thankful that the breakup happened because they were not the right person for you. That’s when you truly begin to heal.
2. I learnt to cope using healthy ways
If you rely on fictional stories to gain knowledge of emotional processes, you’re bound to pick some toxic ways. In literature and in Bollywood movies, they justify using toxic ways to recover from heartbreak. Drowning yourself in work or in alcohol may numb you, but it won’t heal you. I realised that the temporary numbness only deepens the damage. There are healthier ways to heal and it all starts with self-love.
3. I learnt that rebound romances won’t fill the void in my heart
Truth be told, if you install a dating app at this point, most people will tell you they’ve just had a breakup. Why? You’re vulnerable and lonely. You want to prove to them and yourself that you have moved on. So, you try to find solace in rebound romances; except, after every date, you feel the lack of connection, which further asserts the emptiness in your heart. You can find love, even when you’re not completely healed. But rebound romances can impact your mental health, leaving you frustrated with not being able to move on. Instead, just accept the grieving process and take time out to recover.
4. I learnt that the only way to get over it is to go through it
When it hurts so bad, it also frustrates you because you don’t want to be sad, but feelings are natural. Instead of being in denial or trying to not feel anything, embrace your natural emotions. Grieving is a process, and it needs time and conscious effort. I couldn’t heal, even though I pretended to. But it was only after I actually let catharsis happen, that I felt those knots becoming undone. You have to be vulnerable and grieve if you want to get over it.
5. I learnt to be more empathetic to others wounds
Our fears are born out of things we’ve personally experienced or seen around us. Today, if I meet someone who is commitment phobic because of their past relationships or someone who is insecure because they have been cheated on, I wish them healing and step away. It was only when I realised that I had been carrying baggage that I was able to drop it off. So, I hope they are able to reflect, realise and recover. If my partner behaves in a certain way, I would help them heal their wounds, instead of ridiculing them for it and expect the same kind of empathy from them.
Also Read: 5 Cs Of A Happy Relationship
Also Read: How To Create Your Own Closure After A Breakup