Birds of a feather flock together. Or not. It might be comforting to find someone exactly like you, but where’s the fun in that? Or the growth? Imagine a world where everyone looked, thought, acted, and lived the same way; there would be no exchange of ideas and certainly no potpourri of cultures. You can learn maths, science, or accounting at school, but there’s nothing to teach you about life. For that, you’ve got to go out into the world and speak to people, exchanging experiences instead of just having your own.
“We’re so lucky that in India, we have such vast social diversity, and the innate ability to forge human relationships,” says diversity coach Aliyah Jameel. “It is probably one of the most polaristic societies in the world. Even then, the most advanced computer with artificial intelligence cannot give you exposure to human and cultural aspects of other segments, which social relationships can. It has to be created only through human contact. However, the ingrained concept of ‘homophily’ may often prevent us from doing so. This is defined as the tendency to gravitate towards people who are exactly like you. Social scientists coined this term in the 1950s and have observed that other than gender, homophily exists significantly in almost every other aspect of human relations. For example, the Indian community in the United States of Canada usually seeks each other out, and forms close friendships and bonds among each other. This is understandable, given that they are on foreign turf and are seeking a feeling of belonging. However, by shutting out other friendships and interactions, they might be missing out on fresh perspectives. It also tends to perpetuate stereotypes and inaccurate beliefs about other communities.”
The opposite of homophily is predictably heterophily, which is the tendency to interact with others who are different from us. The world is shrinking and we cannot shut ourselves away from that reality. Sooner or later, you are bound to encounter people who are different from you. If you have preconceived notions and biases, diverse friendships and social connections can help you alleviate them and become a springboard for these future communications. This doesn’t mean you have to change who you are; it just gives you the sensitivity, maturity, and wisdom to accept and deal with others who are different from you.
If you feel this is outside your comfort zone, it might be difficult to motivate yourself to embark on, but psychologist Dr Tamaraa Krishnan has some pointers for those of you who want to engage meaningfully with a diverse pool of friends and contacts:
1. Language is a major barrier while pursuing friendships. People who think in a language different from you or speak in a different native tongue are usually not top of mind recall for forging friendships. Keep an open mind, even if you have to speak a language you’re not as familiar with. There might be a lot to learn and you could be surprised.
2. Focus on the things you have in common rather than the differences. If you’re from different castes or religions, there is still a lot you can bond about. Sports, music, films, shared hobbies… the list is endless.
3. Don’t seek out friendships based on the group of friends you already have. You don’t have to think about a new friend fitting in or getting along with your old ones. It’s lovely if that happens organically, but even if it doesn’t you are perfectly at liberty to meet a friend independently.
4. If you’re wondering how to quantify this, take a look at your own social media account or WhatsApp groups. How many people do you interact with personally on a daily basis, and what percentage of them is someone like you? That should give you a good idea about your friendships and how diverse they are.
5. Be open-minded to accepting invitations to new experiences by people. Have they asked you to accompany them on a nature trail or a baking class? You might discover a new side to yourself and find that you’re actually having fun.
6. Don’t force friendships just because you want to have a diverse set of friends. You have no way of controlling these things and predicting how they’ll turn out. Allow for some time to form a real, authentic connection before you call it a friendship. If it doesn’t work out, don’t stress.
7. Embrace curiosity. Ask people questions about their life and culture. It’ll give you an insight into who they are and how they want to be treated. Be sensitive, especially if they are from a marginalised segment. Cultivate the habit of listening deeply and processing information and cultural cues meaningfully.
Diversity in friendships creates empathy. Your friend might be gay, or dark-skinned or differently-abled. Listening to their life experiences at close quarters allows you to get one step closer to understanding how they feel. There are other perks to diverse friendships as well – trying out the cuisine at their home or travelling to a different city for a wedding. Make sure you extend the same courtesy to them too! Impactful friendships don’t just change you, they also help shift things around you. The truth is, if we want a culture of acceptance, equality and kindness in the world, we have to start by breaking those barriers ourselves.