Pop culture has always represented female friendships one-dimensionally. Think back to Rani Mukerji and Preity Zinta cavorting around together in towels to the throaty strains of ‘Piya Piya’. Or the more recent ‘Veere Di Wedding’ where the entire theme is girlfriends-like-family. While we’re completely in favour of sisterhood, and standing by our girl tribe, there’s no denying that every healthy relationship needs one major and often-ignored ingredient – boundaries.
When there is an ideal representation and illusion of close female friendship, reality becomes that much harder to navigate. It’s probably the reason that one out of every five millennials says they have no friends! How then, can you nurture fulfilling friendships while also setting boundaries that work for you?
“Friendships are all different from one another, and this is what often sets the tone for boundaries,” says Shylaja Kurien, a Benglauru-based psychologist, and college counsellor. “Some friends love swapping clothes; others recoil at the very thought. Some friends are liberal with their hugs; others prefer to demonstrate their love without physical cues. This has no bearing on the depth or meaning of the friendship. So there really is no one size fits all.”
Kurien says that the first step is to identify your own needs and wants in a friendship, as well as the other person’s. “The second step is to start communicating these boundaries to one another. Even if you can’t say ‘no’, now is a good time to start. If you don’t verbalise your concerns, it is eventually going to leave you feeling depleted and result in resentment towards the friendship. What is holding you back from being vocal? Two things - firstly, your own need to people-please and how it is linked to your self-worth. Secondly, the fear of losing a friend whom you might be genuinely fond of. Staying silent then seems like the easiest solution. However, you will just have to break out of both, if you want your boundaries to be set and met!”
Since boundaries in a friendship are linked to the complex and intangible aspect that is human nature, it might sometimes be difficult to quantify them. How do you know when enough is actually too much? Here are a few common quibbles that might bother you, and if they do, then don’t be afraid to voice them out.
If a friend is pressurising you into making decisions or doing things that you’re not comfortable with, you definitely don’t have to go along with it just to please them. It is a clear violation of boundaries. And don’t fall for it if they’re guilt-tripping you, giving you the silent treatment, or being passive-aggressive to get their way. In fact, emotional manipulation is a huge, huge red flag.
If they show up late to a meeting or land up unannounced at home or work, don’t hesitate to tell them off if it bothers you. Taking your time for granted is a no-no. You’re also not obliged to share secrets about your own personal life, or that of others who have entrusted you with confidential information. Friendship doesn’t mean you have to know every little thing about one another. Share at your own time and pace. Lastly, is the relationship one-sided? A non-reciprocal friendship is a transgressed boundary, even if you don’t realise it. If they’re only interested in what you can do for them, it’s probably time to address the issue.
Dr Tripti Mudit, an academician who has written research papers on the psychology of relationships says, “In any lopsided friendship, there are ‘givers’ and ‘takers’. A giver keeps the friendship going in its current form by being complicit with the taker’s needs and demands. A taker may need rescuing or help or problem-solving and assume that the giver will always provide this. In turn, givers put their friends’ emotional needs before even considering theirs, so that the status quo can be maintained. If they fail to provide this, or disagree with the giver, or offer a different perspective, they often feel guilty or uneasy. This itself is a sign of an unhealthy and co-dependent friendship. Don’t let your emotional state depend on your friend’s!”
Mudit goes on to say that the initial awareness that your boundaries have been trespassed should be a trigger to act immediately. “The minute you know that you’re not comfortable with something, don’t keep giving in. You may think this is selfish, but it is the best thing you can actually do for yourself, your friend, and your friendship. You will be letting them know how to best engage with you. It is also important to make the distinction between being adaptable/agreeable and allowing people to ignore your boundaries. For instance, if a friend’s child has fallen ill suddenly, it’s perfectly acceptable for them to cancel a coffee date with you.”
When you’re setting your own boundaries, don’t forget to give your friend the opportunity to set hers as well. Broach the subject and hear her out as well. This may mean hearing a few things you don’t want to, but it’s better to know sooner rather than later – especially if it can enhance your friendship and make the two of you happier.
The idea of being friends is to spark joy and find like-minded companionship. Just as a relationship is never going to be perfect, close friendships are also not easy to navigate. If boundaries are being encroached upon on either side, it makes the friendship even more fragile and complicated. Two-way communication and honesty are essential. Talk through disagreements with logic and a calm head. Respect and support opinions and choices, even if you don’t agree with them. Cheer them on and applaud their successes. Tell them how much they matter to you, even as you’re setting these boundaries. Your friendship may unravel and fall apart, but there’s a good chance it will be better and stronger than ever!